"Crazy/beautiful."

A trip to the doctor's office pushed an impact on me. Hard. He was talking to me and all I could hear was just muffled sound coming out of his mouth. I was trying my very best to stop the tears from falling.

Before, I was so confident. I was myself.
Now, I shun away from public. I've become a fake.

I pretend that everything is so beautiful. Life, that is.

I was such a happy girl until one day, late 2004, something happened to me.
My world turned upside down and I was so devastated.
I asked god this question, "Why me?"
I asked him every night before I go to bed. I begged him to help me every single day until one day I decided he wasn't helping at all.
In fact it got worse.
I stopped.

I went to see a psychiatrist thinking it would help my situation.
It didn't.

Because I now realize that no one can help me, not even myself.

For 3 years and til now I'm drowning myself with all sorts of pills to get me away from reality.
Sometimes I think of dying.
I find no meaning in life.
I cannot accept myself at all.
It hurts to even look. I feel so disgusted.
I hate whenever eyes are on me because that's when I feel the most ugliest.

I cry most of the time thinking how selfish I am to constantly pushing people away. I just can't. Didn't they know I will never be close with any of them.


Depression since 2004 and I'm hating myself more each time I think of my situation.


I'm feeling so down lately.
It's okay, I'll be fine. I'll try to look at the brighter side of life.
Furthermore, I've been coping with this for years already. I'll be alright.
Soon. Once I get these thoughts out of my mind.